For my last post of 2020, I wanted to give you something to take with you into the new year. Learning to be assertive is vital to developing your confidence and starting to live life on your own terms.
So, how exactly do we go about doing that? Lemme walk ya through it.
There are four types of assertion
And they are:
- Passive (where you don’t express how you truly feel)
- Aggressive (which can result in using abusive language)
- Passive-aggressive (using sarcasm or moaning about something later)
- Assertive (communicating your thoughts clearly)
Ideally, you want to deal with difficult situations in an assertive way, rather than passively, aggressively or passive-aggressively.
Using a Positive ‘No’
If you’re used to trying to keep everyone happy, you might be used to taking on aaaaall the things. That results in you feeling overwhelmed and exhausted so it’s important to set boundaries.
When you need to say no to someone – as we all do from time to time – try to use a Positive ‘No’.
This can mean saying ‘No’ and being honest about your reasons why or saying ‘No’ and giving them an alternative solution. For instance, ‘No, I can’t look at that right now for you but if you leave it with me, I can get it back to you by this afternoon.’
The most important thing here is to get used to the idea of saying no and setting those boundaries. You’re only human and you can only do so much.
Concentrate on the problem, not the other person
Ever witnessed an argument that starts over something small and just keeps escalating until personal insults are being hurled around – left, right and centre?
Yup. You never want to let an argument get to that point. Instead, try to focus on what the immediate problem is, rather than picking holes in the other person’s character.
Concentrate on dealing with the situation at hand, instead of dragging up something that happened years ago or trying to get them where it hurts. That only makes the problem ten times worse.
Look for ideas you agree on
You may disagree with every single thing another person stands for. But if you’re two humans in the same space at the same time, you might just have something in common.
Instead of keeping the focus on what you DON’T agree on, try to defuse the situation by finding something you DO agree on.
It could be anything at all but finding common ground is a great way of trying to fix the situation before you.
Use ‘I’ statements
Finally, to be an assertive person, you need to hold back on the aggression.
Don’t direct your anger at someone else and call them names or accuse them of something, just to get a reaction.
Instead, use ‘I’ statements to make your voice heard. For instance, instead of saying ‘You’re such a control freak’, try ‘I feel as though I can’t do anything right.’
Using ‘I’ statements is a powerful way of owning your feelings and emotions, without hurting the other person.
Let’s get assertive!
Allie x
Allie Morgan - Writer & Cancer Survivor 